Asserting Yourself

What is assertiveness?

Assertiveness is communicating your needs to others in a direct, open, and honest manner that does not violate the rights of others or hurt them in emotional or physical ways. The value of being assertive is that you will have more equal relationships that are respectful and leave room for compromise when there is conflict.

What assertiveness is and is not

Assertive communication is different from "passive" communication and 'aggressive' communication.

Passive communication
This refers to keeping your needs to yourself or hinting and hoping others will notice and take care of them. You may get upset when others don't notice and respond to your needs and become angry, resentful, or manipulative through using guilt, pity or feeling that others owe you.

Aggressive communication
This refers to putting your own needs first at all times and being loud, pushy and bullying. You may not listen to other points of view, use sarcasm as a way to undermine others or rarely express positive feelings.

Assertive communication
This refers to being clear about what you are feeling and what you would like. You speak and look calm and show respect for the opinion's of others while stating your own. You know where you will compromise and where you feel you cannot.

How can I become more assertive?

There are a variety of techniques to build assertiveness. Try some of the following:

Self Evaluation. Think or write about where you fall on the assertiveness continuum. Are you a passive, aggressive or assertive communicator? When are you like this and when are you not? How do you feel about being assertive? By reflecting on your personal style, you may realize that need to combat some of your fears and negative thoughts about assertiveness.
Be patient with yourself as you learn the new skills. Realize that you may struggle to find the appropriate balance between passivity and aggression.
Communicate with others in specific, clear, and precise ways. "I want to..." "Please do not do..." "I appreciated it when you..." "I have a different opinion. I think that..."
Use "I" statements when offering your opinion, perspective or feelings. "I feel upset when I think I am being ignored...I'd prefer it if you could tell me you want to be alone for awhile." Try to avoid "you" statements such as "You shouldn't ignore me...you make me so mad," because this may lead to defensiveness.
Consider following up a request with a compromise. "I would be willing to give you the time you need to be alone if you set a time to spend with me later."
Ask questions: are you being clear, how does the other person see the situation and what does s/he want to do about it? Problems happen when there is miscommunication and misunderstanding about what is being said. Asking for feedback helps clear up any misperceptions either of you have.
Be aware of your non-verbal behaviour. You communicate to others not just by what you say but also by how you say it. Your non-verbal behaviours include your tone of voice, gestures, eye contact, facial expression and posture.
Realize that saying "no" does not mean that you are rejecting the other person but just refusing a request. Remember we all need to say "no" from time to time
Prepare for others' responses to your changes. It may be hard the first few times to stick to saying "no" or stating clearly what you need and want. Others may try to plead, beg, cajole, or compliment you to get what they want. Assertively stand your ground and let them know you need to say "no" to be good to yourself.
Learn to take genuine compliments from others. Try saying "thank you," "you just made my day," or "I appreciate you saying that." Avoid negating yourself, automatically returning a compliment, ignoring the compliment, or rejecting it.

Learn to give and receive constructive criticism from others. If you are giving constructive criticism remember that it needs to be based on a real issue and a specific behaviour that can be changed, is mentioned clearly and is addressed as soon as possible after the problem occurs. If you are receiving constructive criticism remember to listen rather than defend or attack, acknowledge the criticism by summarizing what has been said and ask questions to clarify. Be clear about how you are offering to change.

Sharing positive feelings is part of assertiveness as well. Sharing your positive feelings helps foster healthy relationships. Consider saying things like "I like you a lot..." "I enjoy your company..." "I really appreciate your help. Thank you."

Watch out for pitfalls in communicating with others. Avoid making assumptions about what other people are thinking or feeling, about what their motives are, or about how they may react--check with them first. Avoid sarcasm, character assassination, or talking in absolutes (" you never" or " you always").

Evaluate your expectations about what you want from others. Do you have reasonable expectations? You may need to adjust them.

Find resources on assertiveness. There are Continuing Education courses at Mohawk College and many books, videos and websites that are available through our libraries.