Loss and Grief
Losing someone close to you can feel like no other experience you have had in your life. The shock, sadness, and grief can sometimes feel overwhelming. You may also wonder if you’re not feeling "enough". The following questions and answers may help guide you in this process.Questions about Grief
How long will this go on?
The journey through grief is a very individual experience. Rather than focusing on a timeline, it is more helpful to focus on the intensity and duration of grief. At first, grief is overwhelming and you may feel out of control. With time you will find that you have more ability to choose when you want to think about memories of the deceased and deal with your emotions. The intensity of grief is related to how attached you were to the person, the type of relationship to the deceased, the level of understanding and support you receive from others, your own way of coping and the circumstances of the death.
Am I going crazy?
It may feel like it at times! Grief affects people physically, emotionally, psychologically and spiritually. You may need to make adjustments to your life and learn new skills at a time when you feel least able to do so.
Do I have the right to inflict my grief on others? What can I expect of others and they of me?
Others may feel intensely uncomfortable with your grief to the point of feeling helpless. The anxiety this causes in others may mean that you are being avoided which increases your feelings of isolation. It is important that you are assertive about your needs and wishes. Communicate your needs with family, friends, and colleagues rather than leave them guessing what would be useful and comforting. If you are supporting someone who is grieving, never underestimate the power of listening and being a warm presence. There are no magic words or actions. Just care and be present.
Is there a right and wrong way of coping with grief?
We are all individuals with unique personalities and life experiences which influence the way we deal with grief. Everyone's style of grieving must be respected. This means there is no right or wrong way of coping. However, it is generally believed that the amount of support you receive can help the healing process. Talking about what is happening, what you are going through, expressing emotion and being in a supportive and accepting climate is helpful.
How do I know when I need help?
Consider getting help from a mental health counsellor if you find that you are having difficulty functioning, have ongoing fears or anxieties about the loss that affects your day to day life or if you have thought about suicide as a way to deal with your grief.
Stages of Grief
Grief does not follow a straightforward pattern. It is more like a roller coaster. You feel up and down. Eventually you will find a way to fit the loss into your life. The loss remains and is always remembered but the intensity is no longer disabling or disorganising.
Much of the grieving process is about expressing emotion. You may find that you have feelings that are unfamiliar and unacceptable to yourself or others e.g. anger, guilt, remorse. Finding an accepting person for support is important. The amount of support available from family and friends may be limited if they too are grieving. Misunderstandings can arise when people experience different responses to a shared loss. External supports may then become a vital factor in understanding and expressing your grief. It is important to know that you can survive the experience of loss and grief and that the new life that eventually comes after maybe rich and full once again.
Does counselling help?
As mentioned, grief is a normal response to loss. However, it may be necessary to seek professional help at times. Counselling gives you an opportunity to express and think about your grief as much as you need to while also giving you new ideas about how to handle your loss. Counselling may initially intensify painful feelings because you are exploring them fully but a supportive environment and focussed time with a counsellor can make a great difference.
Ten Ways to Help Others Who are Grieving
- Be attentive to the bereaved person
- Allow for moments of silence and reflection
- Listen in a non-judgemental and accepting way
- Avoid the use of clichés such as 'Think of all the good times', or "It was meant to be"
- Mention the deceased person's name and encourage the bereaved person to talk about him/her.
- Offer practical and emotional support e.g. by minding children or cooking a meal.
- Understand that tears are a normal and healthy part of the grieving process.
- Don't try to fill in conversations with a lot of outside news.
- Let the grieving person tell you as much or as little about the circumstances of the death
- Remember that grieving has no timetable or deadline. Letting the grieving person know that you understand this is essential.