Building Self Esteem
Most people's feelings and thoughts about themselves fluctuate a little based on their daily experiences. The grade you get on an exam, how your friends treat you, the highs and lows in a romantic relationship, can all have a temporary impact on your sense of wellbeing. Self-esteem however, is something more fundamental than the normal "ups and downs" associated with situational changes. For people with good self-esteem, daily events may lead to temporary fluctuations in how they feel about themselves, but only to a limited extent. In contrast, for people with poor basic self-esteem, these incidents can be devastating.
Health Self-Esteem versus Poor Self-Esteem
If we have healthy self-esteem, we are able to assess ourselves accurately and still be able to accept and value ourselves unconditionally. This means being able to realistically acknowledge our strengths and limitations (which are both part of being human) and at the same time accept ourselves as worthy and worthwhile. Generally we feel competent in our ability to cope with life's ever-changing situations. We trust our own judgment in most matters but are able to accept assistance if a particular challenge arises. We feel capable of making good, responsible choices and can handle most change when it occurs. All of these characteristics lead to a general state of happiness and contentedness. Healthy self-esteem is not the same as egotism or a feeling of superiority over others.
If we have low or poor self-esteem, we often rely on how we are doing in the present to determine how we feel about ourselves in general. We have low self-confidence and often doubt our abilities or have unrealistic expectations of ourselves. Our sense of self-worth is highly dependent on what others think and we often put ourselves down or judge ourselves very harshly. We need positive external experiences to counteract these negative feelings and the self critical thoughts that constantly plague us. Even then, good feelings (from a good grade, etc.) can be short lived.
Strategies for Building Self-Esteem
Free yourself from "shoulds" - Live your life on the basis of what is possible for you and what feels right to you instead of what you or others think you "should" do.
Set realistic and achievable goals - Start with small steps and give yourself credit for each little step you achieve. When your confidence is low, it takes an extra effort to even begin. Instead of worrying about being perfect, which only leads to stress and possible failure, praise yourself for making an effort.
Emphasize the positive - Make a list of positive things about yourself and post them in a place you see every day. Spend a few moments accepting these positives. Give yourself credit for everything you try, whether you succeed or not. Focus on the effort rather than on the end product.
Talk to yourself positively - Stop listening to your "cruel inner critic." When you notice that you are doubting or judging yourself, replace those thoughts with self-accepting thoughts and a balanced self-assessment.
Utilize "thought stopping" - When you find yourself thinking a negative thought about yourself, imagine a large stop sign and tell yourself to "STOP". Switch to a more positive thought such as "I'm okay." "I'm a good person".
Avoid comparing yourself with others - No matter what we do in life and no matter how hard we try, there is always someone who can do things better.
Build on pre-existing strengths - All of us have competencies in some areas and sometimes need to remind ourselves of this especially if we are being challenged in new ways. Emphasize your strengths. Focus on what you can do rather than what you cannot.
Experience success - Seek out and put yourself in situations in which the probability of success is high. Look for projects that stretch but don't overwhelm your abilities.
Take chances - Develop your skills. New experiences are learning opportunities which can build self-confidence.
Solve problems and make decisions - Deal with negative situations directly and identify ways to solve or cope with them.
Get involved - Actually attempt the things that you have always wanted to try. You can meet new people and develop new friendships. You will also learn new skills that will help you feel better about yourself. Even if you turn out not to be good at the new activity, at least you had the courage to try it!
Become self-reliant - Don't depend on other people to make you feel good about yourself. Rely on your own opinion of yourself. Accept feedback from others, but don't rely on their opinions excessively.
Compliment yourself - That way, you won't sit around waiting for someone else to boost your esteem. In the event of criticism or rejection, think about who you really are not just what you have accomplished.
Respect you own needs - Recognize and take care of your own needs and wants first. Identify what really fulfills you—not just immediate gratifications. Respecting your deeper needs will increase your sense of worth and well-being.
Be compassionate with yourself - Frequently, we are more compassionate and accepting of others than with ourselves. Give yourself the same understanding and acceptance you give others. Be patient; change takes time and work.
"Fake it till you make it" - Tell yourself positive things even if you don't believe them at first. It may take awhile to genuinely feel that you really are a worthwhile person, that others like you, and that you are succeeding.